I love all of these characters, one way or another. They exist in the world of television fiction, on programs I enjoy, to varying degrees. This is not a list of TV’s most annoying characters. Nor is it a list of TV’s worst characters. These are characters whom I have grown to love (or at least like) in their fictional story lives who, if real, would be the worst. The. Worst.

Imagine you actually knew these people. Imagine just how much worse your life would be if you, by choice or force, spent time together. These 5 television characters may be entertaining to watch in fiction. If they were real, though, it’s hard to imagine people who’d be more laborious company.

5. David Brent

Brent is about as terrible as a a harmless person can be. Which is why he’s number 5 on this list. Sure, he’s an ass who has no self-awareness or capacity to reflect, and utters the most unlikable sentiments one could dream. But unlike others on this list, he’s unable to wreak much havoc on others–at least those outside the office–because he’s, mostly, harmless.

4. Carrie Bradshaw

It’s not personal. I am a fan of Sex and the City and Carrie’s successes and failures make a great arc. I just don’t think we’d get along. Really, what could we possibly talk about?

3. Jessica Day

Jess is a perfect bundle of cuteness, coy, buffoonery and nerve. She embodies the manic pixie dream girl fantasy while crushing it under her stylish boots. I love her because she’s manufactured to maintain the perfect adorkable level while rejecting just enough of that MPDG to be a woman of respect and strength. Which is great and all, but just pay attention a little. The overwhelming emotion and tearful outbursts I can handle. Stop breaking so much stuff.

2. Angel

First, speak up, for God’s sake. We can barely understand anything your saying.

Second, here’s a vampire who, through various and sundry occurrences, could at any moment turn into the perfect embodiment of murderous evil. Upon which he would torture you, kill you, and savor every moment of it. And when he’s not evil, he’s depressed and waxing about all the evil acts he has committed in the past, and any favorable actions towards his loved ones are all built upon his quest for atonement. He’s a champion moper, and if you have a diary, he’ll read it. Fun.

1. Barney Stinson

It’s hard to conceive of a more horrifying person than Barney Stinson. He built a bed on tracks to dump women out on the street after he’s finished with them. Barney’s #1 with a bullet on this list. Not just because of the way he treats women, though that’s pretty much the worst imaginable. And it’s not just the lies, the scams, the sheer pleasure of ruining peoples lives.

The real reason Barney’s the worst comes from his awareness. He’s the anti-David Brent. Not only does he use and abuse the women of New York, but he knows better and does it anyway. At least until he gets to MARRY THE GIRL OF HIS BEST FRIEND’s DREAMS. Which, by the way, is also the worst.

Imagine Barney Stinson in real life. He is a psychopath.

So.

Who’d I miss?

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