by Miles Behn
Open that bottle of Merlot, because this trainwreck of a television show is finally pulling into the season finale station. And boy is trainwreck not a hyperbole.
The drama took off last week when Wes’ trust in Rebecca faltered-his new faith resting in one of the most ridiculous characters on this show (which is saying a lot): Rudy, the boy hospitalized for a some sort of drug-induced mental breakdown. (Those crazy coeds.)
We met Annalise’s mother, a wry woman who seemed to have absolutely no influence on her daughter’s character growth in this week’s episodes. And my favorite character to hate, Frank, creepily watched Bonnie and Asher do it in a parking garage. I can’t make this stuff up.
This week’s two-part disaster marks the end of the season, with soap opera drama around every corner. Who, exactly, killed Lila Stangard? Don’t worry, you have to wait the entire hour and fifty-five minutes to find out.
Let’s get to it.
We open with Wes’ shitty acting-really starting out running. It’s all shouting at the wrong caliber and putting emphasis on random words. Oh, and thousands of dead-eyed stares that are supposed to convey confusion/terror/stress/who-the-hell-knows. He meets Rebecca in the apartment, who just as awkwardly greets him with her own forced Emmy-worthy “finally.” They’re clearly lying to each other, but knowing this almost makes the acting worse. Alas, Dean Thomas you were always meant to be a background character. Accio talent. They proceed to have the most clinical, unsexy sex ever.
I’m just going to glaze right over the episode’s case of the week, because it stinks of unnecessary season finale drama. There’s nothing like the confessional sacramental seal to toss around in the writing room. Father Andrew murdered Father Bernard with a thurible (that gold thing they fling around to spread incense at funerals) because Father Bernard was molesting a teenager. That teenager was so fraught by the abuse that he committed suicide, and Father Andrew sought revenge for his death. Righteous kill, I guess. (Eh, eh? See what the writers did there?)
The episode is sprinkled with flashbacks from the night of Lila’s murder. It’s pretty much poorly acted scenes of things we already knew. Rebecca is a liar, and everything Lila’s boyfriend said was true.
Frank knows about Bonnie and Asher, and proceeds to hold it over Bonnie’s head for the entire episode. When it’s finally acknowledged, our resident sleaze bucket swaggers out of the Keating house with a “maybe I’ll tell Annalise. I’ll think on it.” Who the hell cares, you jackass? You’re out here screwing Laurel on the front porch while you have a long-distance girlfriend. On a scale of one to the ninth circle, you’re in the deeper level of hell, buddy.
The law students go full-crazy by the end of the first episode, calling Annalise over to help after they’ve tied up Rebecca in the bathroom. And she’s got the duct-taped mouth and sad, terrified eyes to go with the look. See above: trainwreck.
By the time they get Rebecca to the Keating house (because for some strange reason Annalise is on board with kidnapping a young girl), we’re lucky enough to discover Frank is in on this madness as well. “No one here is going to hurt you,” says Annalise. “I won’t let that happen. But you have to behave. Otherwise, Frank…” “We stow you in the basement. You won’t like it.” Charming.
I know Frank is supposed to be this sleazy, gangster dude, but I honestly can’t take him seriously. Maybe it’s the poor acting, maybe it’s that I can’t stop picturing him trolling feminist websites in between torrenting episodes of My Little Pony-I don’t know. But he’s certainly not menacing.
As the law students present circumstantial cases to Annalise (yes, she has suddenly decided to be judge, jury, and executioner for Rebecca), their arguments begin to unravel. Nothing proves that Rebecca killed Lila.
Asher stops by the office to bug Frank about his relationship with Bonnie, forcing the impromptu law proceedings into the basement. Rebecca steals a phone and texts the ever cryptic “Eggs 911.” I’ll be sure to use those six characters next time I’m kidnapped and tried for a murder I may or may not have committed. I would probably use the smiling poop emoji and five 100s, but that’s just me.
Frank duct tapes Rebecca to a poll in the basement (ie, something he’s presumably really good at), and lays down the law: “we’ll deal with it later.” Ok, Mr. Fedora.
In a flashback we see Sam talk to Lila on the roof. His hands rest on her neck as they kiss, pointing to a clear parallel of how she dies. But did he kill her? The promo promised me I would finally find out who killed Lila, so for god’s sake can’t she just die already??
In the kitchen Frank tells Laurel that he “always thinks about sex when [she’s] around.” Hubba, hubba! When Laurel worries aloud about the endgame, she asks Frank if he’ll “take care of it.” Which, if you’ve been watching, you’ll know is some sort of weird gangster euphemism for Frank doing random, shady, illegal shit. They love to throw that phrase around on this show. Yay middle class suburbanites who have no idea what gang culture is like! Please keep writing more TV shows, ok?
Of course, because Frank is a trolling asshat, he gets offended when Laurel presumes he’s an assassin. He even literally says the word “whack,” as a synonym for “kill.” See previous entry: sad menimist.
Annalise convinces Wes to confront Rebecca to get the truth (with an obnoxiously gender-specific taunt “are you a man or not?”). Before the commercial break he walks down the basement stairs, hefty soundtrack adding to the drama. Aggressive zooms on both of their constipated faces. Oh goodie, two shitty actors confronting each other. How could this possibly go wrong?
Young adult teenage romantic drama hits us in full swing:
Rebecca: “Look at me, look at what you did to me. You said you loved me.”
Wes: “I still do.”
“I told you everything about me. Every awful thing anyone has ever done to me, but you know what? You’re the worst one. Because I didn’t know I had to be afraid of you.”
“You don’t.”
I swear, if this wasn’t pulled straight from some staff writer’s shitty young adult novel, I don’t know up from down.
After the group officially decides to let Rebecca go, since they can’t really prove that she killed Lila, it’s too late-she’s escaped. “Eggs 911,” bitches.
The flashback continues, telling us the real story of Lila’s murder. Sam kisses Lila on the roof, claiming that he only loves her. Just as I think he’s about to begin strangling her, he pulls away. Sam tells Lila that he has to tell Annalise that he’ll be leaving her. He disappears from the roof.
He uses a payphone (hi, it’s 2015-those don’t really exist anymore) to call someone and menacingly say “I need you to do what we talked about. You owe me.” Nearly immediately, while Lila is still on the roof (because these writers have zero concept of how time passes), she’s pulled to the ground and strangled. Zoom out. Zoom out. Zoom out. (OH MY GOD JUST TELL US ALREADY.)
And it’s Frank.
Motherfucking Frank killed Lila.
With his creepy, concentrated, I-took-karate-in-middle-school face, and the totally left field plot development-Frank killed Lila. COOL.
But wait-there’s more!
Let’s head back to the present, in the basement, where Annalise and Frank talk in circles. “Was it you?” “No, Annalise, you know I’m not that guy. Besides, I thought it was you.” “Because I’m that guy? Of course not!” “Now what?”
Pan down to Rebecca’s dead body, stowed away in the basement.
Aw. Shit.
I reiterate, for one final time: trainwreck.
Shonda Rhimes, you’ve outdone yourself. Zero to the canyon floor in just fifteen episodes. Round of applause.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. This show is a disaster, but I’m sure to tune in to hate-watch next season.
Favorite quotes:
Asher to Frank: “Just because my facial hair isn’t as luscious as yours doesn’t mean I can’t still kick your ass.”
Miles Behn is a writer and blogger living in Minneapolis. She currently runs the blog Staving Off Disaster. Follow her on Twitter, @milesbehn.
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