5. RIP Robin Williams & Philip Seymour Hoffman

It’s hard to point to a singular moment (or moments) in pop culture this year that bummed me out more than the passing of Williams and Hoffman.

For many, Williams was a defining voice of comedy on film. He was a once-in-a-generation talent, who could take the simplest sliver of funny and turn it in to a 20 minute riff. His late-night appearances were appointment television. His standup a wild, unhinged glimpse into the brain of a genius. His film roles covered the subtle and understated to completely bonkers, insane…and everything in between.

Hoffman was similarly brilliant; a character actor for the 21^st century. Instantly recognizable, yet able to morph into many of the most brilliant characters on film that we’ve seen in a generation. To many he was “that guy, in that one movie about the thing”, yet he was one of the most important actors working today. Tackling complex, nuanced characters that went far beyond the put upon schlub he could have so easily been tied down to.

To say they are irreplaceable would be a dramatic understatement. We lost a couple of the best this year.

4. Nicolas Cages’ Existence in Cinema

There aren’t many times that I think, “Hey, I’d like to have the 90’s back”, except when thinking about the career of Nicolas Cage (and maybe doing high school over, and maybe getting to see Toad the Wet Sprocket live, and…OH MY GOD, guys…I MISS THE 90’s!!).

But really…think about it. When is the last time you saw a Nic Cage movie and said either A) “Damn, this is kinda good!” and/or B) “Seriously, this doesn’t blow”? You there? Yeah…it’s gonna take you a minute. That’s because the last 10 years for Mr. Cage it’s been a decade fraught with real estate and tax issues and shitty-awful-poop-stink movies.

How does the guy who was in Raising Arizona and Leaving Las Vegas and Wild at Heart end up screaming “OH, NO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAHHHHH! OH, THEY’RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAAGGHHH!”?!?!?

How does the guy who was in, arguably the biggest Hollywood action movies of the 90’s, end up with a run of movies less recognizable than a Zack Snyder Oscar?

AND how in the hell does the guy who crushed it with Scorsese and Spike Jonze and Mike Figgis and The Coens end up in movies playing characters with names like “Behmen von Bleibruck” (Season of the Witch, 2011), “Evan Lake” (Dying of the Light, 2014), or “Joe”…just “Joe” (TWICE!!! Joe, 2013 & Bangkok Dangerous, 2008).

This of course was all thanks to the dumpster fire that was this year’s “Left Behind” (Reboot? Damn you Kirk Cameron!). From it’s god-awful poster to the…oh whatever…you’re gonna hate-watch this so why bother.

Hey, Nic Cage! Stop making shitty movies. We liked you quite a bit when you were making good movies. When you were making movies with directors who’s previous gigs didn’t include directing Rick Astley videos. If you’re reading this, please consider. Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, there are only so many things we consider a “National Treasure”.

3. Pretty Much Everything About the NFL

Yep, there isn’t much left to say about how completely bungled this year was for the NFL. The Ray Rice debacle (and numerous other domestic violence cases) and Adrian Peterson’s gauche take on “discipline” both shined a light on disgusting and incredibly important issues in our society (not just in sports). All while Roger Goodell continued to handle the NFL’s operations with epic levels of ineptitude.

This was a banner year (even by NFL standards) for everyone (OK, almost everyone…more on that in a second) to see just how poorly a single group of humans can come off to the general public. The NFL gave us lazy investigations, problematic testimony, inconsistent disciplinary policies, bilking the public for freebies and so much more.

But what might be even more astounding is that there are still fans that hurriedly rush to defend the wife beaters, the child abusers and the bigots. Throw on a jersey. Tweet a word of encouragement or blistering tirade. Stumble all over yourself trying to explain away hitting a kid with a branch. Sounds like a HOOT!

If 2014 showed us anything from the NFL it’s that it has put itself in an enormous hole. I’ve stopped giving a shit and I’m guessing others have to.

2. U2 Gave Me Something for Free (and it was ishy!)

It was an exciting day. A day filled with shiny new things. Apple had just announced the redesigned iPhone 6, the mammoth iPhone 6 Plus and the gorgeous yet to be released Apple Watch. They were sexy and smooth and clean. It was a watch…HOLY SHIT…a watch that I would actually consider buying. People were all googly eyed and smitten. And then it happened.

Tim Cook wrapped things up with a bow and trotted out a music act. Okay, fine…Apple has done it a dozen times. But this time it was big. An act to match the bigness of the announcements just made. And so out walked Bono and Edge and the other guy and the guy who looks like he’s 30 from 100 feet away and 423 from close up. U2 were there to throw a little rock and roll at us. Great. Cool. But the day wasn’t done yet.

Tim Cook came out and shook hands with the band and hugged Bono like an alien who’d learned to hug by watching robots. There was weird scripted banter and the announcement of a new album. Oh and this new album would be free AND this new album would suddenly appear in your iTunes library without having to do a damn thing.

Uh…cool?

Don’t get me wrong I like free things. Free Gorditas. Free comic books. Free drinks. I am genuine lover of “Free”. But those are good things. Those things are enjoyable. The new U2 album (Songs of Innocence) was not like a Gordita or a free drink…it was hot garbage. Hot, stinky garbage uploaded into my iTunes library. It was supposed to be U2’s “most personal album” yet. So personal in fact, that they got paid a ridiculous sum of money to “give it away” for free to each and every iTunes user.

I don’t fault artists for making money at all. I also don’t fault bands or companies for marketing gimmicks (albeit weird and awkward). But at least do us all a favor and make it worth it. Don’t phone it in. Don’t record that 423-year-old guy taking a dump and call it “personal”. And for the love of god, please don’t screw up my iTunes again.

1. Transformers: Age of Extinction (or: Because $$$!!!)

There wasn’t a single movie viewing experience this year that frustrated, angered and confused me more than this shit show of a movie. I can’t really give a succinct synopsis of the plot, nor do I believe that the film’s screenwriter, director or cast could either. To save you some time, just read Roger Ebert’s loving embrace of the second Transformers movie (Revenge of the Fallen…like you could forget THAT!), that includes gems such as:

“If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.”

It’s not a good sign for your franchise when a review for a film from five years ago can nearly double as a review for any of the movies in said franchise. Not that anyone was expecting greatness for a Transformers movie, but sweet mercy…we’re four movies into this thing and not once has anyone stopped to ask, “Why?”

But don’t let my opinions sway you. Here’s just a hint of what this latest movie DOES have:

• Racial and ethnic stereotypes? YEP, an old Transformers movie chestnut. Because you can’t make a robot interesting unless the “Asian” robot looks and sounds like a samurai.
• Sex with minors? SURE! Nothing says Michael Bay blockbuster like an over sexualized 17-year-old, dating a 20-year-old who carries around a laminated copy of the Texas statute that says everything’s OK with their…”relationship”
• Robot dinosaurs? YEAH…DINOBOTS!
• Robot dinosaurs with any semblance of importance to the story? NO! (sorry kids)
• Mark Wahlberg doing Mark Wahlberg-y things? OF BLEEPING COURSE!!!

The point is movies with giant talking robots should be awesome. Movies with dinosaur robots should be awesome. Except…this one isn’t awesome. None of them are. Not even close.

Chris Ervasti wrote this article for The Stake. Chris is the producer and co-host of The Stake Podcast. He’s also into sci-fi, comedy, music, and burritos. Follow him @chriservasti